There was also her birthday wishes that I decided to make a chorus out of. I thought this was nice, yet I see how it could be perceived as creepy. The fact is that two out of four clearly appreciated my unsolicited birthday wishes. It's only social media; it's not like I crashed a birthday party. I think an unexpected birthday wish via social media is neat. Does it matter if I had an alternate agenda? People always have alternate agendas. People often make less sincere birthday wishes within their own immediate families. If you're going to make a Twitter spectacle of your birthday wish, you're pretty much inviting people to hop on the wagon. Make it a private message if you want to keep it private, otherwise, it's open season.
However, not all is that bad. All the other avenues of social media access still remain open. I've even tested one out and no major offense taken yet. Optimistically, I'll take it as a rejection of Twitter-Scott rather than all around Scott. Correct or not, it is a silver lining and a consolation.
I feel like she did me a favor. She puts out a lot of negativity on Twitter. Sure, there's the sweet stuff, the fun stuff, the cute stuff, the happy stuff, the informative stuff, and that one promotional discount hookup (how many other people leaped at that, by the way?). But there's mucho complaints, exaggerations of dying, hatred, vague/head-scratching tweets, and sarcasm. And, all the while, the moths who she's not really friends with keep on trying to get validation, which she gave once, but is no longer. I was a moth and she freed me of this thankless status. Others keep being drawn to the flame and being ignored while my reasons for going to the flame have been diminished. However, the attempts of others continue: the compliments, the jokes, the emoticons, the advice, and the commiseration all continue, and to no discernible avail. Perhaps she did it for my sake as much as hers.
Of course, she has no direct control over this blog, although I said that I'll take posts offline if desired. However, writing like this is beneficial to overcoming stress and achieving goals. Overall, this helps me process thoughts and emotions in a very healthy way. Of course, there's no requirement to post them but I find some therapy in that as well. Knowing that others are keen on my issues makes a difference.
Speaking of writing, it all started with that message of mine and her reply. That reply is what sent my feelings over the edge. It was so well written and nicely formatted and thoughtful and sweet. Often the polar opposite of what's on Twitter. Sometimes I think it's two different people. I really wish to communicate again with the person from the original reply, not that I haven't found many of the tweets lovable in their own way, but it was the gracious reply that had me swooning. I have to remind myself of that. Similarly, interviews also portray a well spoken, incredibly graceful Allie. There are two possibilities: (1) she has changed a great deal overnight, or (2) she really is that good of an actress/public speaker. Was it, and does it continue to be, an act? Did she change? Either way, it is that grace that I continue to hold onto and wish to extract. I apologize. Her acting is spot on. She is an excellent charmer onscreen when she wants to be. Her dogs and cats, and human besties, must also benefit from some of that charm. Her charm is where it's at, and it would seem Twitter gets the darkness so that she can maintain her light charm in daily face-to-face life.
I have written of her great generosity of spirit but I neglected to mention my own. I have been so generous as to see the best in Allie's darkest remarks. I have given her the benefit of my superhuman ability to rationalize and justify. I told one of her followers that he should unfollow me if it helps improve his favor with her, but he wasn't having any of my humble suggestion. My opinion of her is higher. I credit her with warmth even when all she seems to give off is cold. I believe she's worth the shivers and the frostbite.
I've made legitimate offers to pay for her musical talents and creativity, probably more than anyone else would consider. I want to rehabilitate the Sureilla sound, expand on her capabilities (sadly, this reeks of anti-feminism, until you think about how much I'm in need). Maybe the true artist conquers alone? Or my own talents and connections are called into question? Of course, the ulterior motive is being closer to her. Of course. So what? If she's doing what she likes and getting paid and possibly becomes more successful, who cares about the exact motivations behind the offers? Especially when collaboration was only ever meant to be virtual unless she sought proximate collaboration. I've also made genuine offers when she was in LA for other help, but never did she dignify them. Yet, I was ready and willing to help. Creative collaboration is far better than nothing. She clearly doesn't want to be on the hook to men in any way beyond her big paying film and TV roles. And I get it, more or less. I think I'm better for her than the males that have led to this apparent outlook, but what am I gonna do? At least I know that I am generous too.
I once wrote that I don't deserve her. Well, she doesn't deserve me either. Really, nobody deserves anyone. We deserve the fruits of our choices.
She recently tweeted, again, about her distress at not having a car. This distress kicked in after a laugh at someone's parallel parking attempt. That's not nice; they could be new to driving. Well, I had a similar moment after enjoying her video of her singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" Wayne's World style while driving her Southern California car. She was gorgeous and energetic, but I was beating myself up for not having my own car. Lately, her car-less bitterness has become contagious. I am finally seriously thinking about, and planning to, get a car. So, even when I'm losing in my associations with her, I'm still winning. She's also, unintentionally, motivated me to get a cell phone (an iPhone at that). I intend to have the phone within a few months and I intend to have the car by the end of the year. So thanks for that. It's her discontent that will assuredly propel her to her next feat and, sometimes, those around her.
I also explored the artists she's following on SoundCloud and I came away with some new favorites of contemporary music. Jungle and Tupper Ware Remix Party. Both groups actually have a sound similar to what I had in mind for the revitalized Sureilla/Allie MacDonald/The Hashtag Hornies/Whatever sound, except with more edginess and darkness. But she'll probably never know because she can't be bothered.
These self-improvement/independence enhancing changes in attitude, goals, and lifestyle brought about by monitoring her are reasons to not let go just yet. If nothing else, I will be a better person, even if she and those around her never ever have a part of it.
I know that whatever is going on is bigger than just me. I know that she could send a simple message that tells me to "fuck off" or something to that effect. It hasn't happened. She's okay with me on some level. And I am okay with her in spite of her Jekyll and Hyde drama, which like Jekyll, she is victim to. I still like her.